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Man Makes Weight Loss Bet Then Goes on 17-Day Bender

January 24, 2011

Moffetter Camping During the First Week of Bender

Truckee, CA – Bill Moffetter says he’s still feeling pretty confident about the weight loss bet he made a few weeks ago after finally crashing from a 17-day bender fueled by high alcohol content beer, and a mixture of whiskey, gin and more than a few Bloody Mary’s.

“That fat bastard Randy doesn’t have a chance,” said Moffetter.  “The contest is 90 days.  I know I drank a lot of calories during my bender, but I wasn’t really remembering to eat much as I have been getting pretty fucked up lately.”

In the meantime, Moffetter’s opponent in the contest, Randy Strong has only had one alcoholic drink, and that was only to cope with losing more than $200 at cockfight while vacationing in San Juan. Regarding the ‘incident’, as he calls it, Strong said “If my little cock was stronger, I probably wouldn’t have needed that drink.”

“I gotta give a lot of credit to my early success to my wife Cinnamon,” said Strong. “She’s been drinking all the booze so there is a lot less of it in the house. I am truly blessed.”

When asked about Moffetter’s 17-day bender, Strong said, “Are you fucking kidding me? That shitbird promised he would give it an honest try. I’m busting my ass here, working out 3 times a day and eating goddamm rabbit food.”

Upon hearing about Strong’s commitment to the contest Moffetter still shows no sign of concerns.

“I’m a natural fucking athlete, Moffetter said. “I played basketball for two hours hungover today…I thought I was going to die for a few hours afterward, but I didn’t. That just shows you how strong I am.”

Moffetter plans to stay sober at least until Wednesday’s poker night at which time he plans on drinking beer in Strong’s face likely enticing him to get him back in the drinking game.

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Oprah Announces Half-Sister, Nation Doesn’t Give a Shit

January 24, 2011

After more than a week of teasing fans with news that she made a shocking discovery about her family on Monday, Oprah Winfrey bored people everywhere when she finally announced news that she has a half-sister.

Oprah Has a Sister

“I didn’t know what to expect, but I at least thought it would be interesting,” said long-time fan Jane Slaussen.  “I’ve been on edge since last week and then she tells us she has a half-sister?  A lot of people have half-sisters, but they don’t make a big fucking deal about it in the national news.”

In fact a recent Gallop Poll shows that just 3% of Americans were actually interested by the news while a whopping 92% said they couldn’t give a shit.  5% of people said, “What’s Oprah?”

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Life of Party Dies in Predictable Car Crash

January 24, 2011

James "Chugs" Hauser

In a tragic turn of events Friday night, high-school student and self-proclaimed party animal James “Chugs” Hauser lost his life when his car veered off the road and into a lamp post in Algona, IA.

“He was just going out to get a couple more cases of beer,” sobbed friend and wing-man Joel Newman upon hearing the news.  “I mean, we all kind of knew he would die from drunk driving, but I’ve seen him drive so much drunker than that before.”

Police said Hauser’s blood alcohol level was .09%, just slightly above the legal limit and that he might have been additionally distracted by sending text messages while driving.

“He always texted while he drove,” said Newman.  “In fact he sent me this really funny one right before…”

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Oprah’s Blockbuster Announcement

January 23, 2011

Oprah Winfrey is planning a big announcement about her family for Monday. What do you think the announcement will be?

13% – She has a secret family including two adult children and a nice little house in the Chicago suburbs.

19% – Steadman’s got jury duty

33% – She has cloned herself and plans to host a show to rival The View featuring five Oprahs

29% – Her dog Solomon will take over hosting her show when she retires later this year

6% – She plans on marrying Ted Williams “the man with the golden voice” as soon as he gets out of rehab

<1% – She’s preggers.

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Why Is That Guy Still Naked?

January 22, 2011

By Justin Wright

Look, I know this is a locker room and all, but why is that guy still naked?  Is he going to put on clothes and work out? Seriously, how long is he going to stay naked? Put some underwear on or grab a towel for Christ sake.

Oh, wait, now he’s walking to the urinal. I just don’t get it. When I come to the gym I don’t just hang out in the locker room naked. I mean at some point I’m naked when I’m changing into my workout clothes. And when I change out of them and put a towel on before I hit the steam room.

Heck, sometimes I get in the Jacuzzi spa naked.  But I put a towel on right afterward and hit the showers.  And I’m naked in the shower, but no big deal right? That’s all perfectly appropriate nakedness, right?

But I’ve had time to do all that and get a work out in, and this guy is still naked!  I didn’t even see him in the gym! I was in there for almost an hour! And he’s still naked!?

Wait, what’s that on the TV? Something about a little girl was kidnapped? Well maybe it’s safe to look over now. Maybe he’s put on some pants. I’ll just sneak a peek at the news for a second, I’m sure he can’t still be… Oh for the love of God, is he drying the urine off of his penis by standing naked and hanging his junk over that fan?!

He is!

WTF! Not cool dude.  Not cool.

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Gifford’s Enters Rehab for Unspecified Addiction

January 22, 2011

Less than two weeks after being shot in the head by Jared Lee Loughner Rep. Gabrielle Giffords (D-Florida) checked into rehab without specifically stating what substance(s) she has been abusing.

“To the best of my knowledge Gabby has not been using any illegal drugs,” said Campaign Chairman Mike McNulty who seemed caught off-guard when asked by reporters about Giffords’ substance abuse. “I’ve never even seen her have more than a single glass of Champaign.”

It is unclear as to how long Giffords will have to remain in the treatment facility but friends are optimistic that she will have a speedy recovery. And while Gifford’s did not comment on her reasons for entering rehab, she did admit that she regrets a statement she made months earlier at a campaign fundraiser when she said, “We need to repeal the Bush tax cuts like I need a hole in the head.”

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Pub Hug Predictably Followed By Bro-Pats

January 20, 2011

Pub Hug Erupts into Bro-Pats

Oshkosh, WI—UW Oshkosh students Kyle Latimer and Xioung Yang embraced at the Dark Horse Pub Saturday after not seeing one another since before winter break when the two went out drinking to celebrate their completion of the Geography 432 final exam.

“I haven’t seen you for weeks bro,” said Yang, predictably patting Latimer on the back during their extended hug.  “How was your fucking break?”

Latimer responded in kind, patting his former dorm roommate on the back while explaining that he had gotten loaded with all his old buddies from high school, but that it wasn’t the same as drinking with Yang.

“Yeah, we are pretty fucking awesome,” said Yang, finally disengaging from the hug and returning to his bar stool.  “Lets do some shots!”

The two vowed to make this their best semester ever and made tentative plans to go to Key West for the upcoming spring break.