Archive for the ‘Human Interest’ Category

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The Hug Jacket: Helping You Hug Your Loved Ones From Afar

February 4, 2011
The greatest product of all time is most certainly the Hug Jacket. Through the use of highly-modulated memory silicone technology, the Hug Jacket allows users to send a personalized hug from anywhere on earth, to anywhere on earth.

Do you have a loved one serving in the armed services overseas? Do you have a Grandmother in Poland you never get to see? Are you in a long-distance relationship and need to connect on a more physical level? Can’t make it home for the holidays? Look no further friends, the Hug Jacket is here.

All one has to do is show up at a Hug Jacket hug-production center, pay a modest fee, and hug the patented memory silicone Hug Jacket as it is worn by a ballistic-gel torso of similar size and build to your loved one and the jacket will do the rest.

Your hug (up to 30 seconds) will be stored digitally in a .jhug format and will be instantly sent to the Hug Jacket closest to your loved one. All your loved one has to do is provide their name to the nearest Hug Jacket representative, don the Hug Jacket and enjoy your hug as it is replicated exactly as you created it.

The U.S. Armed Forces have already pre-ordered more than 800 Hug Jackets for distribution amongst deployed units across the globe and there are already more than 745 Hug Jacket Production Centers in more than 45 countries worldwide.

Hug Jacket has been keeping families close for more than a decade and has created and perfected the long-distance hug. But you don’t have to take their word for it.

“I was serving in Iraq for almost two years and the only thing that kept me going was every month when I went down to the Hug Jacket station and got those hugs from my wife and our two little girls.” –PFC Jack Bennett, U.S. Marine Corps

Hug Jacket has and always will be a family-owned company which is why they understand the needs of your family. Show your loved ones you care and send them a personalized Hug Jacket hug today!

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Roommate Baffled By Egg Prank

February 2, 2011

Madison, WI—When roommates Chadrick Manning and Mill Willard decided to prank their third roommate Nelson Matthews they had no idea the trick would work so well.

Around 10:30 a.m. while Matthews was still sleeping, Manning and Willard conspired to leave a white egg in the backyard chicken coop knowing that Matthews would discover the egg while outside smoking and likely be confused by its presence as their chickens are brown egg-layers.

“Dude, Mill, you gotta go check out the coop,” said Matthews to a pretending-to-be-confused Willard.  “Something freaky has been going on out there.”

Willard, sweaty from a workout, declined to go out in the chilly air but allowed Matthews to explain what he already knew.  While Willard and Manning tried to urge Matthews to ask the neighbor if any of her chickens laid brown eggs (and perhaps one of them visited the coop to lay the white egg), Matthews opted to spend much of his afternoon researching possible explanations online, and in fact found a reasonable explanation for the egg.

“It (the internet) says that sometimes a chicken can lay a second egg that has yet to be pigmented which is likely what happened to our chickens,” said Matthews as he emerged from his home office.  “It is really the only explanation.”

Willard and Manning decided that it would be too late to tell Matthews about their trick in person, but rather to leak the story to the media instead.

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Man Doesn’t Understand Roommate’s Racial Joke

January 28, 2011

Baraboo, WI—Wilson Ellery was disappointed in himself after not understanding his roommate Justin Banks’ racial joke that the house had “enough mayonnaise for an entire slave ship.”

“I thought we were almost out of mayonnaise,” said a confused Ellery. “I even put it on my grocery list.”

A shocked Banks looked at Ellery in amazement and went on to explain the that African-Americans stereotypically don’t like mayonnaise, therefore the small amount of mayonnaise left in the jar was indeed enough for an entire slave ship as the slaves (traditionally African-American in U.S. history) wouldn’t eat any of it.

“Wait, so black people really don’t eat mayonnaise?” asked Ellery.  “Why is this the first I am hearing of it?  I feel like I am usually pretty up on my racial stereotypes.”

Banks explained that it was pretty commonly known and that the confused Ellery should leave mayonnaise on his grocery list.

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Man Makes Weight Loss Bet Then Goes on 17-Day Bender

January 24, 2011

Moffetter Camping During the First Week of Bender

Truckee, CA – Bill Moffetter says he’s still feeling pretty confident about the weight loss bet he made a few weeks ago after finally crashing from a 17-day bender fueled by high alcohol content beer, and a mixture of whiskey, gin and more than a few Bloody Mary’s.

“That fat bastard Randy doesn’t have a chance,” said Moffetter.  “The contest is 90 days.  I know I drank a lot of calories during my bender, but I wasn’t really remembering to eat much as I have been getting pretty fucked up lately.”

In the meantime, Moffetter’s opponent in the contest, Randy Strong has only had one alcoholic drink, and that was only to cope with losing more than $200 at cockfight while vacationing in San Juan. Regarding the ‘incident’, as he calls it, Strong said “If my little cock was stronger, I probably wouldn’t have needed that drink.”

“I gotta give a lot of credit to my early success to my wife Cinnamon,” said Strong. “She’s been drinking all the booze so there is a lot less of it in the house. I am truly blessed.”

When asked about Moffetter’s 17-day bender, Strong said, “Are you fucking kidding me? That shitbird promised he would give it an honest try. I’m busting my ass here, working out 3 times a day and eating goddamm rabbit food.”

Upon hearing about Strong’s commitment to the contest Moffetter still shows no sign of concerns.

“I’m a natural fucking athlete, Moffetter said. “I played basketball for two hours hungover today…I thought I was going to die for a few hours afterward, but I didn’t. That just shows you how strong I am.”

Moffetter plans to stay sober at least until Wednesday’s poker night at which time he plans on drinking beer in Strong’s face likely enticing him to get him back in the drinking game.

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Life of Party Dies in Predictable Car Crash

January 24, 2011

James "Chugs" Hauser

In a tragic turn of events Friday night, high-school student and self-proclaimed party animal James “Chugs” Hauser lost his life when his car veered off the road and into a lamp post in Algona, IA.

“He was just going out to get a couple more cases of beer,” sobbed friend and wing-man Joel Newman upon hearing the news.  “I mean, we all kind of knew he would die from drunk driving, but I’ve seen him drive so much drunker than that before.”

Police said Hauser’s blood alcohol level was .09%, just slightly above the legal limit and that he might have been additionally distracted by sending text messages while driving.

“He always texted while he drove,” said Newman.  “In fact he sent me this really funny one right before…”

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Why Is That Guy Still Naked?

January 22, 2011

By Justin Wright

Look, I know this is a locker room and all, but why is that guy still naked?  Is he going to put on clothes and work out? Seriously, how long is he going to stay naked? Put some underwear on or grab a towel for Christ sake.

Oh, wait, now he’s walking to the urinal. I just don’t get it. When I come to the gym I don’t just hang out in the locker room naked. I mean at some point I’m naked when I’m changing into my workout clothes. And when I change out of them and put a towel on before I hit the steam room.

Heck, sometimes I get in the Jacuzzi spa naked.  But I put a towel on right afterward and hit the showers.  And I’m naked in the shower, but no big deal right? That’s all perfectly appropriate nakedness, right?

But I’ve had time to do all that and get a work out in, and this guy is still naked!  I didn’t even see him in the gym! I was in there for almost an hour! And he’s still naked!?

Wait, what’s that on the TV? Something about a little girl was kidnapped? Well maybe it’s safe to look over now. Maybe he’s put on some pants. I’ll just sneak a peek at the news for a second, I’m sure he can’t still be… Oh for the love of God, is he drying the urine off of his penis by standing naked and hanging his junk over that fan?!

He is!

WTF! Not cool dude.  Not cool.

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Pub Hug Predictably Followed By Bro-Pats

January 20, 2011

Pub Hug Erupts into Bro-Pats

Oshkosh, WI—UW Oshkosh students Kyle Latimer and Xioung Yang embraced at the Dark Horse Pub Saturday after not seeing one another since before winter break when the two went out drinking to celebrate their completion of the Geography 432 final exam.

“I haven’t seen you for weeks bro,” said Yang, predictably patting Latimer on the back during their extended hug.  “How was your fucking break?”

Latimer responded in kind, patting his former dorm roommate on the back while explaining that he had gotten loaded with all his old buddies from high school, but that it wasn’t the same as drinking with Yang.

“Yeah, we are pretty fucking awesome,” said Yang, finally disengaging from the hug and returning to his bar stool.  “Lets do some shots!”

The two vowed to make this their best semester ever and made tentative plans to go to Key West for the upcoming spring break.