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Oprah Announces Half-Sister, Nation Doesn’t Give a Shit

January 24, 2011

After more than a week of teasing fans with news that she made a shocking discovery about her family on Monday, Oprah Winfrey bored people everywhere when she finally announced news that she has a half-sister.

Oprah Has a Sister

“I didn’t know what to expect, but I at least thought it would be interesting,” said long-time fan Jane Slaussen.  “I’ve been on edge since last week and then she tells us she has a half-sister?  A lot of people have half-sisters, but they don’t make a big fucking deal about it in the national news.”

In fact a recent Gallop Poll shows that just 3% of Americans were actually interested by the news while a whopping 92% said they couldn’t give a shit.  5% of people said, “What’s Oprah?”

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