Retarded Kid You Went to High School With Doing More With His Life Than You

January 6, 2011

By: Jake Shocker


Remember that kid from high school?  You know, the retarded kid that used to pull your hat down over your eyes and say “lights out” in his retard voice when you rode the bus together?  Anyway, he is doing way more with his life than you are.

You know how he always dreamed of being a pilot and you always knew it couldn’t happen because he is retarded?  Well guess what, he is 16 hours away from having his license and soon he’ll be flying over your place of work.  What is it you do again…oh yeah, you are a janitor.

Well, since we are on the subject, the retard actually has a great job assembling bikes at the local Wal-Mart.  I know it doesn’t sound like much to someone who mops up puke for a living, but I ask you this…How many bikes can you assemble in an hour?  That’s what I thought.

And while we are talking about modes of transportation, let’s compare his with yours.  Are you still driving the ‘89 Buick you got in high school from your mom when she bought a new car?  That doesn’t surprise me at all.  The retarded kid bought an ‘85 Trans Am about two years ago and just finished restoring it with his dad.  It is pretty damn sweet if you ask me.

So let’s get this straight here.  You have been driving around in a hand-me-down Buick while the retarded kid was restoring a classic car and flying an airplane.  This kid has done so much more than you.

Sure, you went to college for seven years to get a four-year degree while the handicapped kid just put bikes together.  But you still mop floors for a living, and probably always will, while he is sitting on top of a pile of money he saved over the years.  How much do you owe in student loans again?  Don’t worry, it is easy to pay off $50k when you are making $20k a year.  It is like the tortoise against the hare, except the hare just lost the race.  You are going to be in debt for another 20 years.

I’m not trying to bring you down or anything, it’s just that…well, you can’t even afford to fly to San Diego to visit your online girlfriend and the retarded kid flies a plane for a few hours every Tuesday and goes home to his girlfriend every night.  I mean, they don’t live together since they both need their parents to take care of them, but they certainly have more sex than you do.

Speaking of which, you might want to get a picture of this online lady-friend of yours before you make any travel plans or buy a box of condoms.  Sometimes Craigslist girls are exactly as fat as you think they are going to be.  And speaking of condoms…the retard was sterilized by his parents as a child.  Dude never has to wear a condom.  Have fun not feeling anything if you ever do get to poke your chubby online lady-friend.

What are you now, like almost 30?  You might think that is pretty cool, but the retarded kid was almost 30 when you guys graduated high school.  Too bad you didn’t take advantage of him then to buy beer for you.  Then your six-pack-a-day habit could have gotten started a little earlier and you could have had another 15-20lbs on that beer gut by now.  Sure the retarded kid drinks too, but he does 100 sit-ups every morning (yes, he gets up before noon, unlike yourself) and only has a beer or two if he chooses to indulge.  And when he does drink, he drinks good beer, like the kinds that don’t come in 30-packs.  Think about that next time you are choking down a Natty Light.

Well, I better get going.  The retarded kid invited me over to his folk’s house to play the MLB The Show 2010 on their 72 inch plasma.  Hope I didn’t bring you down, but seriously, turn off your PS1 for a second and take a look at yourself in the reflection of that 85 pound 19 inch Zenith of yours.


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